When I started my blog, I had big plans: highlight Hydrocephalus and those of us who each have surpassed insurmountable odds. It was a great plan in theory, and maybe it will happen one day, but this warrior is worn out!
I’ll spare you the details of my numerous surgeries and ridiculous amount of Dr. appointments since my last post. Trust me it’s MANY and the outcome the same- more unanswered questions and crazy Hydro. symptoms. If you’re reading this, then I’m sure you’ve found some commonality between us, but here’s my predicament: If I were to tell you how difficult things have gone, would there be dead air? My point is I have an amazing family and good friends, but lately the invites, texts and general friendship musings have almost completely vanished. A few super close friends continue to try but I’m a consistent flake. I know people have their own lives and things, and maybe I’m jealous/bitter, but how do you forget about someone? I know my condition, as do many chronic illnesses, cause a bunch of people discomfort when interacting with me, but I’m still here!!! I’m tired of the raging battle within, but I haven’t forgotten about you so please don’t give up on me. I am still the same person as before but with more scars and a little more hardware:)
Thanks for letting me vent, virtual friend. I don’t feel alone anymore:) Be well!💙
It’s been a minute since I last wrote according to the blog tracker thing, I hope everyone who reads this blog is well. I am a little over 2 weeks post op from my last surgery and have been having the BEST time (note the sarcasm) trying to figure out if my headaches are positional or not. For all the ups, downs, sideways questions- I have no pattern. I can tell you this: I feel hungover after every night’s rest. Remember when you were newly 21 and you’d go out and get trashed? Maybe some of you didn’t, but I did. Not caring about the consequences of the body aches, dehydrated feeling, the spins that would inevitably follow after a night of drinking. I guess I could say that I did that to myself so I knew there would be a price to pay; however, I can say that these days- I’m 100% sober- and I still wake up tentatively with that feeling of having just been through a rager and not knowing how I’ll feel when I wake up in the morning. Opening my eyes everso slightly in the morning and there is always that question- “How awful am I going to feel?” No matter what my headache decides to do, I’m ready with a glass of water and pain meds to combat the aches, dehydration (which I assume is internal from the shunt draining too much), and pulsating sensation from the pain deep within my brain.
Funny thing is, I don’t miss alcohol at all or my 20s but I miss the explanation for the hangover. Because this constant hangover of my 30s isn’t a reminder of living or fun but is a reminder of not living at all. Here’s to hoping for a better tomorrow:)
P.S. Sorry if the message is a bummer, but I promise that if you stick with reading my blog, things will get better. Chronic illness is a bumpy ride but we all are all warriors and the light will shine again so because it has to.